Why won’t I go to therapy..

So, my booster shot was administered in a neurology and psychiatric clinic. Which got me thinking. But this isn’t the first time I have thought about therapy. I have done so multiple times. For example, 20-something year old Shaheen’s temper was dangerous. For others as well as herself. I have consciously worked on it for years. And I sometimes wonder if external help could have made the process more efficient and less painful.

And despite seeing the merit, I couldn’t go for it. It is not because I don’t believe it can help. I do think it can. My reasons are probably some of the reasons why one SHOULD go for therapy.

I have two main self-created obstacles.

First, I hope people who go to therapy know that they have aspirational strength. To open up to someone, truly bare your soul, say what you are uncomfortable saying even to your own self, face past traumas and tragedies, be willing to retrace your steps to understand your own behaviour and acknowledge influences – it requires extraordinary strength and the ability to trust. I don’t have the latter. To trust. Ever so completely. How freaking precious is that? Unfortunately, I can’t find it within me. For an absolute stranger. I am aware of the confidentiality clauses but the heart…it refuses.

Secondly, ignorance is bliss. Somewhere, I am afraid of finding out something that I may have known all along but brushed it under the rug because that was easier than facing it. You know how when you say it out aloud, only then it becomes a reality? THAT. As long as it doesn’t pose any imminent danger to my life or those of my loved ones, maybe those discoveries are better left unsaid. Facing, and then crossing that hill, may change me in ways that I am not ready for.

While writing this, I realised that both my reasons have a common denominator – fear. Fear of having my trust broken and the fear of unknown. And this goes on to validate my belief that creating art in any form, including writing, is therapeutic ?

Anyway. To conclude, let’s just agree on one thing here – anyone who commits to therapy is STRONGER than most of us here and more importantly,, WILLING to strive for betterment.

If that isn’t inspirational, I don’t know what is.

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