In conversation with Gulabo, our first plant baby

monstera deliciosa

Day 1:

Shaheen: Hey.

Gulabo: *radio silence*

S: Look, I know you are worried. I have never cared for a plant before. I have no experience and you would rather be anywhere but here. BUT, I have thought this through, and I am ready to nurture you to the best of my abilities. I promise.

G: *a browning leaf visibly wilts*

S: I will check up on you every day. I won’t forget to water you. I know I burnt you a little when I placed you directly in sunlight for 24hrs but in my defence, I thought window was indirect sunlight as there is glass in between. But I know better now, and will never leave you by the window again. EVER.

G: *moves ever so slightly to show the yellow burnt marks on its stem*

Day 3:

S: Ammm. It’s still too soon to trust me 100%. I get that. The world is filled with emotionally stunted fcukboyz. But I am not one of them. You will see.

*background music of rustling leaves, as day 3 turns into 13. As promised, S checks up on G everyday, witnessing the slow and painful death of its first plant baby*

Day 15:

S: Look Gulabo, this may be painful but we have got to do this.

G: *two baby leaves perk up*

S: We are going to take you out of this, see if everything is okay, remove leaves and stems that have no chance of revival, and try once again. Okay?

G: *shivers*

Hesitantly, S inserts a wooden spoon at the edge to loosen up G’s resting place and then tries to pull her out. She resists, refusing to budge.

S: it’s cooperation or death. What do you want?

G: *throws plant approved expletives*

S tries again, and this time manages to dislodge the soil. Out comes a tightly coiled, pot shaped plant, with roots that I initially mistook for thick thread.

G: Rookie mistake.

S: *gulps* Sorry.

S tries to clean, removing dead bits and knotted roots. In the end, it’s S, a pot full of soil and 5 monstera stems. Hmmph.

G: *looks dwarfed by disappointment and contempt for her caregiver*

S: I may or may not have saved you. Just try to keep an open mind. Try to grow. The soil is still good and full of nutrition. Now you be a good girl and try to thrive. Love is a two-way street and it’s time you step up. No one cares about half-assed gestures in the 21st. Okay?

G: *dies*

The End.

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