There are about a million writers out there penning 10 million ways to ‘drive your man wild’ and championing ‘play hard to get’ theories. I grew up reading all of that too, but never really followed it. Taurus.
Anyway. So when I came across the following list by Josh Aiello, discussing what DOES NOT work, I knew he was onto something. So, here’s what you need not do, even if you think he wants it, to keep it sane and solid.
1. Join him in his prework morning shower.
A guy’s gut reaction: Oh, you mean the only 10 minutes of alone time I get all day?
Why it’s not that sexy: Getting intimate in the shower can be a divisive issue. Taking it to his prework morning shower ups the ante. This might be the only time all day a guy isn’t dying for sex. As D, 26, says, “Unless you have a seat in there, a shower romp is never as fun as it sounds. Who gets to stand under the water? And she can’t like it when she goes down on me and there’s scalding hot water blasting her in the face.” Sure makes the climax kind of anticlimactic.
2. Strongly hint that you’re in the mood, then play hard to get and make him work at seducing you.
A guy’s gut reaction: Just what a guy wants when he gets home from work: more work.
Why it’s not that sexy: The Chase is a game for those who’ve just met. When you’re in a new relationship, you’re so excited, you’ll try anything. I once spent three weeks eating at vegan restaurants just because a girl was cute (and vegan). Of course, I’d grab a cheeseburger afterward. But still, that’s working for it!
One of the great perks of a long-term relationship is sure-thing love making. As my buddy, Jim, 38, puts it, “If you’ve been in the relationship for a while, this tip amounts to cruel and unusual punishment.” We worked hard to catch you in the first place, so let’s just enjoy the fruits of our labor.
3. Make love in front of a mirror so you can see every erotic angle of each other’s bodies.
A guy’s gut reaction: It’s the nonerotic angles we’re afraid of.
Why it’s not that sexy: Maybe a guy in amazing shape wouldn’t dread this tip quite as much as I do. But even my athletic friend, Brad, 25, says, “I’m not crazy about it. It seems distracting.” When you’re scrutinizing every bit of action unfolding in the mirror, you’ll likely see some seriously nonsexy angles. Unless you’ve both discussed and agreed to it or it’s 1977 and a mirror is hanging on the ceiling above your guy’s water bed, forget the whole reflection thing. It’s too hard to get lost in the moment when you’re watching what your butt looks like in every position.
4. Wear a top with a million little buttons and slooowly undo them while he watches.
A guy’s gut reaction: Is it cool if I watch baseball till you finish?
Why it’s not that sexy: This sounds more goofy than sexy. Sure, most guys enjoy a striptease, but there’s a reason strippers don’t wear tops like that. Namely, there are few things less hot than unbuttoning a million buttons. Guys like it when you take off your clothes, but it’s better if it doesn’t take half an inning to get to the main event.
5. Buy a super-pricey, super-vampy little lingerie number for his eyes only.
A guy’s gut reaction: The only time a guy notices lingerie is when it’s hard to take off.
Why it’s not that sexy: Sexy lingerie is kind of a nonstarter. If it makes you feel sexy, great. Go for it. But if you’re wearing it to turn a guy on, just know it doesn’t do as much for us as you might think. The one hot thing about lingerie is the mystery of what’s underneath. But as Will, 40, says, “If I already know what’s under there, then what’s the point?”
6. Stick a silk scarf in his bag with a note that reads, “You’re going to need this later tonight.”
A guy’s gut reaction: Why, is it gonna be cold out?
Why it’s not that sexy: Unless you’re (1) Stevie Nicks or (2) dating Steven Tyler, silk scarves have no place at sexytime. The same goes for most supposedly sexy props: red light bulbs, handcuffs, geisha costumes (unless you know a guy is into those things). It’s not the prop that counts; it’s you, up for fun, that’s the real exciting part.
7. Read each other torrid passages from erotic books.
A guy’s gut reaction: You know there’s free porn online, right?
Why it’s not that sexy: These days, the average guy has spent most of his life immersed in what’s become a highly sexualized culture. From hardcore porn to the lingerie ad at the bus stop, we’re constantly being hit over the head with sex. The effect is that it’s dulled our senses. We don’t want to read a bedtime story-we want to engage in the story ourselves. But talking dirty to each other? That’s a win.
So here’s the thing: Guys don’t require fancy moves or costumes to get turned on. They are simple creatures with simple needs. They like gestures that show them you care, and they like it when a girl has a vibrant life outside the relationship. My friend Afshin, 24, says, “One time a girl woke me up with a massage, and it was awesome.” Chad, 27, says, “I love how my girlfriend keeps my favorite snacks at her place.” Now that’s hot.