One of my New Year’s resolutions was to read more. One book I recently read is called It’s Not PMS, It’s You, by Deb Amlen.
In the book, Amlen doesn’t complain about men. She accepts their strange ways while finding humour in how differently their minds work. And, she is a good story teller, which is why I actually got through the whole book – something I can’t usually do.
Here are a few points Amlen makes in her book that I want to weigh in on:
Men practice “selective deafness”
Deb says: “One of the truly unique qualities of the male is his ability, when faced with information overload, to weed out that chaff, so to speak and absorb what is necessary for his own personal comfort.”
I Say: Because women often say what we don’t want to hear, we focus on certain words, and interpret things the way we want. It all starts with our mother. When I got my license I had a Jeep Wrangler and longed to go four-wheeling in rural Maryland with my buddies. I asked my mom for permission and she said it was fine.
We obviously didn’t execute our plan well – we got stuck in a ditch after causing $2,000 damage to an alfalfa field.
After this debacle, my mom explained she explicitly said I was not allowed to go four-wheeling. I could have sworn she said “yes,” but maybe not. Sadly, that wasn’t even information overload: it was simply one word I misinterpreted. Thus began my long career of selective hearing when females speak.
Deb: “The initial stages of the disease manifests itself in a man in small but embarrassing ways, like phoning a woman after a date and calling her by his ex’s name, or helpfully suggesting a juice fast when his girlfriend complains that she’s feeling fat.”
For you long-time readers of my blog, you know I’ve got this disease. I exhibit all the syndromes: ill-timed comments, dumb statements, saying exactly what’s on my mind at all times.
I told a girl she looked like Jean Benet Ramsey because she was wearing too much makeup, I talked about porn at length before asking a girl on a date, and I’ve inadvertently called girls fat (although this is easy to do because anything a guy says can be interpreted as calling a girl fat).
Toenails of death
Deb: “The vast majority of men actually do not believe that they exist from the knees down.”
Deb touches on an epidemic afflicting women: scratches on their legs from sleeping with men who notoriously have long toenails.
I know I exist below the knee because of my ugly feet. I do actually manage to keep my toenails short. Besides, I keep my socks on when sleeping with girls to hide my ugly feet…even if it’s old man work socks with boxers-what an awful look.
Women get pedicures and wear nice shoes. So, it looks like we don’t care because women care so much.
If our bodies were gardens, women’s gardens would be weeded and organised, and ours would be choked with weeds and uneven plowing. If it didn’t rain our plants would dry out because we’d forget to water our garden. We’re rougher around the edges, but it varies from guy to guy.
In relationships, if a button exists, it will be pushed
Deb: “Seriously, have you ever walked by a button and not pushed it just to see what would happen…or how about when you’re waiting for an elevator: how many times have you seen someone walk up to the button, see that it’s already lit, and then push it anyway?”
It’s the old schoolyard flirtation- we love annoying and topping one another. Women try to get our goat, and we do it to them. Figuratively pushing someone’s buttons is just as fun as slamming that elevator button over and over.
I pride myself on skills I learned growing up with my sisters. I have a talent for smelling blood in the water, like a shark.
When a girl is slightly annoyed, I swoop in. I know every button: existing, and situational new ones based on what’s going on around us. Girls are cute when they’re annoyed. Did I mention I’ve been single for a long time?
If you’re looking for a light-hearted book that feels like you’re casually laughing about the opposite gender over a glass of wine, you should pick this up. Even I can agree with some of Deb Amlen’s points, although I’m not proud that she’s right about us guys.