7 things to keep away from your Facebook status updates

Luke Lewis listed 7 horrible things people do to others via their status update, and I say amen. Read the following so that you can dodge away venom-and-hatred-dipped arrows!

1. Smugness

“Perfect weekend: gorgeous Malibu sunshine, barbecue on the beach, and the best friends in the world. Life is good.” Thanks. Just what I want to read when I’m crushed between two fatsos on the bus to work on a rain-lashed Monday morning.

2. Song lyrics

So you just had an emotional epiphany to Arcade Fire. Good for you. Just be aware that those lyrics that so moved you, taken out of context, will mean absolutely nothing to the rest of us. Naturally, there’s a particular kind of lyric that people tend to go for on Facebook – it’s always something wistful and poetic by Leonard Cohen, or Jeff Buckley. It’s rarely anything by Shaggy.

3. Quotations

Popular with ambitious corporate types. As with lyrics, these motivational pearls tend to come from a narrow range of revered thinkers – Erasmus, Gandhi, William Blake. I’ve yet to see anyone quote the wisdom of Roy Chubby Brown.

4. Cryptic neediness

You know the type of thing: “People always let you down… in the end.” “Why do I always do this to myself?” “Another weekend… alone.” These people clearly anticipate a deluge of concerned comments, but it rarely happens. The internet is cruel: you may as well wander out into the street and bellow your woes down a manhole.

5. Geekery

We’ve all got one in our news feed: the po-faced nerd who announces sternly: “THIS WILL BE A GAME CHANGER,” before linking to a Tech Crunch article on how Shrug.com has just completed another investment round. Well whoop-de-doo.

6. Self-promotion

No, do please tell us more about your new book deal/chat show appearance/UK bravery award. We’re all absolutely delighted for you.

7. Banality

What is it that compels educated people to share their lunch decisions with the world? Plus, if the Facebooker is under 30, this is invariably followed by the words “nom nom nom”, one of those hateful web-only phrases that makes you want to torch the entire internet to the ground.

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