I have always been a dreamer. A child who grew up believing in fairy tales and happy endings. A teenager who thought rebellion will get her the love and attention she craved but was too proud to ask for. A young adult who is dog-loyal in her relationships but scared to completely trust the other person.
And this has greatly defined me and the 22 years that I have spent on this planet. I remember this one time I was in my school van, coming back from school. It was long route and we had no form of entertainment. I must have been 15 at that time. I was gazing idly outside. It was a cloudy day. I randomly look up and I see a huge cloud, surrounded by some more huge cotton balls. Sky was clear blue and those clouds appeared soft, cotton balls. In my head, I started picturing a kingdom behind the biggest cloud. There was a huge gold throne, with a big santa-claud-lookalike king. Next to him was a beautiful queen, of about 40, clad in a royal white gown and diamonds. There were many other men around the kind, at a respectable distance but there was an intimacy amongst them. There was genuine love and respect, and it was tangible. And then I started wishing that I be that queen…But then I had to get off the van, leave my kingdom behind and get ready for after-school tuitions for add math.
I have grown up since then. I have met all kinds of people and have had all kinds of experiences. I have hurt and got hurt as well. I have loved and I have been cherished as well. But somewhere I still want a fairy tale. I still look forward to happy ending. I still imagine a world that is beautiful and genuine, where nothing goes wrong. And the most hilarious bit is that although I want it real bad, I won’t be able to fit in.
I have had experiences that have made me distrustful of people, that taught me emotional independence, that instilled in me pessimism and a belief that the other would hurt or disappoint me in some way. I am not as pure and naïve as I expect the people in my imaginary kingdom to be. Not anymore.
It gets real difficult to live with such contradicting notions of self. And it makes it difficult for people around me as well. There are paramount expectations that I associate with them and a secret belief that those expectations will be never met.
It is one write-up that makes absolutely no sense. Don’t try to derive any meaning from it…for there is none.