22nd November 2017

Dear LinkedIn Frandshipper

Let’s establish house rules first: LinkedIn is a PROFESSIONAL NETWORK WEBSITE.

Now that wasn’t all that difficult, eh?

I am (clearly) quiet irritated with the misuse of this medium. I have tonnes of people on my contact list on LinkedIn, who I have never met, spoken to or will ever come across in real life. They are there in my professional network – to help me find a job, switch, or build an empire, should I ever come to it. And vice versa. Unless your profile says ‘high profile escort’, I will probably accept your invite. I am easy like that.

But then you need to stop. No, I will not befriend you, go out for lunch, catch a movie or meet for a soiree. Or help you find hotels in Dubai because my profile says that I am a hospitality journalist. For pete’s sake, I write about hotels and restaurants (or used to), not sell their packages. And how difficult is it to find a hotel anywhere now, anyway? For the naive, let me list down the steps I would follow if I were you:

  • Check out booking.com for hotel options in your price range
  • Check reviews for shortlisted hotels on tripadvisor.com
  • If you want to rent a room or house, check out double.com
  • Itching for a deal? Log on to groupon.ae

So yea, here you go.

Also, if you are from States, London or Paris, and “not from Pakistan”, you get no brownie points. If you can’t look for a hotel online, I have judged you already, unless it was a cheap ice-breaker, for which I might have to judge myself as well for taking the bait in the first place.

*takes a deep break*

For your entertainment dear reader, here is what transpired today, which led to this rant.

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Salam shaheed

*you spelled my name wrong! I inhale-exhale for five minutes before responding*

Me: Yes?

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Eid Mubarak

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Shaheen my name is dr bohoo

LinkedIn Frandshiper: I am in ur friends from linkedin in

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Dr bohoo from london

Me: Okay. And?

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Have a look at my professional working profile

https://uk.linkedin.com/in/bohoo7777777

LinkedIn Frandshiper: U there

LinkedIn Frandshiper: I am visiting pakistan for eid days

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Coming to dubai tomorrow

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Ur a professional from hospitality

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Please can u advice me guide me

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Want to take a hotel or accommodation for a week in normal place in dubai

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Normal price but good option

LinkedIn Frandshiper: I am single so just single accommodation

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Please help me on this

Me: Sure – I am in a middle of something just now. Let me get back to you in a bit.

*doesn’t get the hint – clearly*

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Shaheen I will be in dubai tomorrow 2pm

LinkedIn Frandshiper: I don’t know any one in dubai so please

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Name Dr bohoo

Nationality British citizen

Passport British

Flight

[Flight details] Landing time

Landing time 13:45pm

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Please can u arrange something even in some male friends for few days

*Ammm who are you again?*

LinkedIn Frandshiper: For a week

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Please

LinkedIn Frandshiper: I hope there must be some good friends u have in dubai

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Hy there

*Calls me – I don’t answer*

Me: I am at work. In meetings. Sorry can’t help just now.

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Are u free now

Me: Hi. As I don’t know you, I can’t ask any of my friends to offer you accommodation. You can find cheaper rentals on dubizzle.com; alternatively, you can look for hotels in deira and bur dubai as they are relatively cheaper. You can check out groupon as well for deals. And frankly, it isn’t particularly difficult to finalise accommodation, considering you have planned your trip already. Anyway, all the best.

*calls again – twice – no answer*

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Please can u just give me 3 normal price options

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Relatively cheaper options

LinkedIn Frandshiper: U r a hotel and hospitality person please can u find me something relatively cheaper for seven days

Me: Apologies but I can’t.

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Please just give me the prices for 3 hotels options please

Me: Look online.

LinkedIn Frandshiper: It’s a emergency trip

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Come on I live in london not pakistan

*excuse me – watdafuq?!*

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Ooo please

LinkedIn Frandshiper: Just give me three relativity good options

You can’t blame me for being a b***h here – I don’t know this person, he assumes I owe him to find an accommodation, and he throws the ‘I live in London and not Pakistan’ card, which is when I decide to block him.

So a kind word to all the frandshippers – LinkedIn is not the right place. It is filled with high-nose arses like myself, who on a good day might not be rude (like today) or can be brutal when caught on a bad day. Let’s keep all this helping business to Facebook, shall we darling?

P.S. That is one hell of a picture I have on LinkedIn, because in my shallow head I believe that it sends out the right message to headhunters (that I can clean up rather well when I chose to). Don’t let it fool you. Seriously.

About Shaheen 1028 Articles

Need coffee, romance, fashion and manicure to survive.
KHI – DXB – CGN

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