It is a miracle that I am home and alive right nowa; I did all to make sure it was otherwise. While driving, I would zone out and get back to this world right when the car ahead would shove its number plate in my face. Anyway, as they say, all’s well that ends well.
Why was I zoning out while driving –> I had way too much on my mind. And primarily all negative. I had a lot of questions (well, when don’t I?) and no answers. A lot of pain but no relief. Way too much suffocation but no way for air to come in and let me breath.
- Am I capable of having normal relationships?
- Can a person be with me for more than 2 years?
- Can I ever keep someone happy?
- Is anyone capable of keeping me happy?
- Will I ever have someone who values my tears and vows to not leave me crying?
- What do I want in my man?
- Do I have what my man needs from his girl?
And many more, along similar lines.
I fought with my significant other. I swore. I never swear, not even with friends (very rarely, if ever, actually). I wanted to die and not see another sunrise – I was irrational and emotional. It felt like my heart was painfully torn in to pieces and there was never going to be a happy day as far as I was concerned. I walked all over someone’s feelings – I shouldn’t have. I should not cling. Ever. But I do. I cannot help it. Love is equal to clinging. Yet, I have always known it is a guaranteed way to make a man run in the opposite direction.
I don’t know. I feel numb and emotional at the same time. Is it even possible? I want and do not want at the same time.
It’s pathetic how I claim to be a writer but abuse words like no other. I understand their power, and like an evil soul, use them against others. I can cause immense pain with them. Not a finger on a person yet s/he will be shattered to smithereens.
I am tired. And I am talking crap. I don’t know what else to do. I look back to see many mistakes, sprinkled with a few happy moments here and there. But they are like snowfall on burning coals. You cannot see them unless you were there when it happened.
I should stop. Really, I should.
I want happiness. And peace. And love. Lots of it. And understanding and trust. I want laughter, and arms that hide me from the brutality the world has to offer. I want to be rescued, from the wrath I am capable of bringing on.
I am home. Does he know where I am? Does he care? Has he noticed my absence yet? Will he?
I shouldn’t have used the F-word. It just wasn’t called for. Or ever will be. I regret it. I have apologized, but it is not enough. I embody hypocrisy as far as he is considered. I scream, whine and hurt the other person; and then I forgive, love and smile. That is plain hypocrisy. Not acceptable.
When the man selling ice-cream leered after me, I should have returned. When the guy in a moss-green corolla rolled down his window to offer me a ‘ride’, I should have returned. When that old biker suggested I hop on for ‘fun’, I should have gone back to the car. Mine or his – did not matter. I should have not turned every time I heard a car approach; he was not going to come after me. It wasn’t his concern. I could not expect something like that. I left on my own and must return on my own. Love doesn’t cover these areas. They are barren and wild.
I know where Creek Cineplex is. I know my way around mostly. I drive aimlessly all the time. It was stupid to pretend I was lost and make that as an excuse to talk. Direct communication isn’t hazardous to health. Smoking is.
Waiting kills me. But I am alive. So it doesn’t really kill me. If only I peel away the thick coating of expectation I forcefully drape around every relationship, maybe him and I will be able to breathe. And smile. An hour or three…what’s the difference? Don’t women in rural areas wait for their men all day long? Aren’t Saudi women happy to be confined to their homes until their men return and take them out? I was brought up in Karachi. Pace of the city is what drives me. I thrive in it. Yet, I must slow down. I must. Speeding thrills, but kills.
Hanging up the phone *sigh* why, I have asked myself a million times. Running out of the car. Just running away. Far away. To protect myself from the pain being inflicted upon. From the misery that looms around the corner. I run. But I certainly should not. Who said it will be a bed of roses? But then, bed of thorns wasn’t what I was prepared for.
Scream Scream Scream. Till my throat is hoarse.
I personify instability. Emotional Instability. I can love, and I can hate. I can cry, cause tears and wipe them as well.
I wished I wasn’t so angry. It burns me up like raging fever. It causes feelings to evaporate. Leaves behind a snarling vacuum. And that blankness causes havoc, sometimes beyond repair.
It’s a Black Friday. Today. For me.
I wished I had called. I wish I had talked before leaving. I wish I could make things right. I wish I could make you love me, and see what I have for you. I wish…I didn’t wish the impossible.