1. You’re Not Listening To Me
The more time you spend with someone, the more you realize that you don’t actually have to listen to the words that come out of their mouths. Instead you can basically figure out what they’re saying by the overall tone and decibel level of their voice, much in the same way that scientists communicate on basic levels with dolphins. Unfortunately, every so often, the fact that your eyes have glazed over like a nine-year-old who’s just stumbled upon the fact that he can see his neighbor having sex from his treehouse, alerts your partner that you do not give care about what they’re saying. And once they’ve said “Are you listening to me?” they don’t await a response of yes or no, but instead launch in to “You never listen to anything I say.” Which is in the hall of fame of relationship fights, right next to a plaque commemorating the millionth fight started due to an overdue rental at Blockbuster video.
This one is my favorite!
2. You’re Always Late/ Are You Ready To Go?
Waiting for someone to get ready is like watching an episode of “The Hills;” it’s tolerable for about five minutes and then every minute after that your desire to punch someone in the face doubles. The problem is, never in the history of relationships have two people been ready to go at the same time. It’s not scientifically possible. It’s like creating a perpetual motion machine or enjoying a meal at Red Lobster. So, inevitably, while that person waits, they get increasingly angrier, until they get what I like to call “Bomb Squad Angry,” which just consists of them screaming “WE NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!”
3. Are These Your Dishes?
Of course they’re your dishes. You’re the only other person who lives in the apartment. But this question is an Andy Roddick-esque serve in a game of passive aggressive tennis. Usually it’s returned with a hard forehand of something to the effect of “No, someone must have broke into our house, made himself some lasagna, then left before cleaning it up.” If Emeril was cooking up an argument, he’d toss in sarcasm and say “Boom! Let’s kick it up a notch!” Also, this argument kind of acts like a warp zone in Super Mario Brothers that allows you to jump to different arguments incredibly quickly. “ Well, maybe I wouldn’t mind you not washing your dishes if you wouldn’t take over the house with all your stupid friends on Sundays!” Boom, new argument. It’s that easy.
4. Is That What You Want Me To Look Like?
Now that you’re in a relationship, you’re no longer allowed to say you find other people attractive. Instead you have to pretend that, although there are 6 billion people in the world, somehow you managed to find THEE most attractive human being in the world. The only reason they’re not modeling is because they really enjoy their “Account Manager for all the Southwestern Carl’s Jrs.” position. Now, most people know this is a stupid argument, even when they’re having it. But there’s a little room in your brain that’s labeled “Why would anyone want to have sex with me?” If you go too long without having sex, or you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror where your a—- looks like it has a squashed tarantula inside it, that little room begins to fill up with angry juice, and if it gets full, an alarm goes off and suddenly you worry that your partner hates the way you look and would rather have sex in a pile of rocks covered in fire ants.
5. Where Do You Want To Eat?
The problem with this question is, you know EXACTLY where you want to eat, but you want to seem easy going, so the result is you both don’t say where that place is, and just let the other person guess in hopes they’ll say it first so they can sound accommodating. The result is one person behaving like a cop questioning the other person like they’re a serial killer who’s hidden a victim in a tank that’s going to fill with deadly gas in three hours. “Listen, just tell me where to go.” “I told you, I don’t know where to go.” “Yes you do! You know where God Dammit! You name the place and we’ll leave right now!”
6. Are You Coming Over To My Parents House For (Insert Major Holiday)?
Being at your parents house during a holiday is like being at the premiere of a Nicholas Cage movie; you’re going to be bored as hell for two hours while you’re forced to listen to someone with distractingly bad hair babble incoherently. Then after they’ve finished, you have to tell them how much you enjoyed it. Therefore, before even asking this question, you’re in a bad mood, and if your partners answer is anything other than “yes, of course,” it opens up the “you don’t like my parents?” fight, which is the marijuana of fights; itself not that dangerous, but often can act as a gateway to much more destructive fights, ultimately ending in someone saying the phrase “I think you should see someone. That’s all I’m saying.”
7. I Can’t Believe You Had Sex With ______ Before We Were Together
Even though you had sex with this person before you and your current beau were together, somehow they think it’s okay to be retroactively pissed off at you for this. It’d be like getting a parking ticket in the mail for a car you sold ten years ago. Would you be okay with that? No, you’d call the city and explain to them “Hey, I don’t drive that car anymore, I don’t even own it.” But in this argument, you’re not allowed to bring logic and reason in. No, logic and reason are the homeless people and this argument is a Macy’s department store; they’re not allowed in and if they get in, they’re thrown out immediately. Normally if you’re in this argument, your partner is pissed because of something else that has nothing to do with you, but they feel like you’re the easiest person to take it out on. I call that the “Iraq War Equation.”
Source: Yahoo! Shine